Monday, January 9, 2012
2011- The hardest year of my life to date.
Started out with Moo coming home. This was harder for me that her leaving was. Happier. For sure happier, but harder.
I guess because when she was leaving I knew it was going to be hard. All my friends knew it was going to be hard. I had mental preparation and support and a crazy number of sewing projects plus a long trip as distractions. Not so when she came back.
When she came back what I had was an aching pregnant body, and a tentative cautionary attitude (would she settle in ok? would she be mad at me?)
During the first few weeks she fit back into place easily and I relaxed a lot. Then things got harder. She was getting more comfortable and accordingly more screamy, frustrating and etc.
Meanwhile I was growing larger, more uncomfortable, less patient, more self centered, and less aware of anything happening outside the cocoon of my body and it's hormonal cocktail.
Also, having a kid in school every day for the first time. That's a big deal.
And then there were four.
Again I had myself convinced that everything was good on the Moo front. Sure, she was difficult, but three year-olds are. I watched for signs of jealousy toward Duke and didn't see any. Probably should have taken a moment to evaluate my own emotional health in the relationship between the three of us. Live and learn.
I've heard it said that the transition from two to three kids is hard but after that adding more is no big deal. This was not my experience. I had some extenuating circumstances, it's true, but I find four exponentially more difficult than three.
So to sum up. 2011 beat me bloody with a combination of the most difficult and painful of my three pregnancies and the strain of reincorporating the once lost child back into the family. I have every confidence that 2012 will be a healing, growing, reprieve of a year. In the 9 days of it I've lived it already has been.