Tuesday, April 1, 2008

A Little Bitty goodbye

I got Little Bitty all packed up last night and she left this morning after breakfast.
I had such a hard time bonding with her for the first 2 weeks, then they told me she would be leaving and all of a sudden Tada! out popped the feelings!
So basically to sum up my experience I spent 2 weeks feeling guilty for not loving the child, not even a little bit. The cute things she did left me completely cold, unimpressed, annoyed even, and always guilty.
Whenever someone would comment on what a generous thing we were doing, how good of us to care for her as our own, all I could think of was the lack of emotion I felt for her and how much more she deserved.
When I found out she was leaving I was relieved, not just because it had been so hard, but also because I hoped that her grandparents would love her like I couldn't.
She was napping when I got that phone call. When she woke up and I saw her, knowing that she'd be gone in another week, the emotion stirred within my heart for the first time.
From that point everything was a lot easier for me. I started hugging her spontaneously, where before I'd had to remind myself to do it because babies need hugs. I poured into her every drip of sentiment I could squeeze out, hoping to make-up for the matter of fact, loveless way I'd cared for her in the previous weeks.
Part of that was the doll. That's how I love, I sew things, and the bag. The thought of packing her things in a plastic grocery sack made me feel a little bit sick inside so I made a fabric grocery sack instead. I honestly patterned it after a Target bag. I changed up the bottom a bit, made the handles a bit longer and the body of the bag a bit shorter. It is reversible, one side is a linen blend, pink with butterflies all over and the other is blue eyelet. Both fabrics came from my stash. I love stash sewing. I'll be making more of these bags, it was a good quick project.
Anyway, after breakfast she played for a few minutes, kissed her dolly,(and I got a picture of it!) melting my heart at long last, I'm so thrilled that she liked it, and then it was time to go.
I learned that her grandparents wanted her all along, there was just some miscommunication, she'll have cousins visiting frequently, and all the love I could wish for her.
The rest of the day I felt totally at peace. I hugged my babies, watched my boy play and knew that she was ok.
I'll likely miss her from time to time but I am so glad to get back to my own children. I have missed them fiercely.


Melissa M. said...

Her dolly turned out so cute.
I am happy for you that you came full circle, the first one is always the learning one, and now you know.
I LOVE that bag! Great idea.

jamirclark said...

Don't feel guilty- you're a better person than I. Also, you have this experience to look back on and you get to decide your future, so live from your experience!
You are so talented!The bag was a wonderful idea.

Annie said...

I love the bag AND the dolly! I may have to commission both from you someday.

I'm glad you had love for her at the end. :) And I'm glad she's with a family that will love her.