Monday, November 9, 2009

We wait

There are times as a parent when, as you look at your child, a surge of love bubbles up from your heart and engulfs you.
Maybe the child is expertly executing a new skill, something you taught them, or something they've figured out on their own. You're reminded of how amazing that child is and the the wave comes.
Maybe they're smiling in that way that's all their own or pouting in a manner just as quintessentially theirs. As you witness your child's self-isms you are grateful to be one of those privileged to know this fantastic person well enough to recognize them. And you're washed away.



I see my baby moving through the world, experiencing those things we have to offer her and as the waves come I remember that she is not mine and I choke.

What will I do with all of this knowledge I have gleaned when it's subject is gone?
I type it all out to share with the new mama. There are two reasons for this.
The first is noble. It would be a shame to let all of this useful information go to waste. I want my baby to be happy and teaching her new mama about the life she has here will help the transition to be as smooth as possible.
The second is spiteful. I want that other mama to know that I know this baby. I want her to feel just how much I love her and I want her to hurt just as much as I hurt. I want her to cry over the time she is missing the way I cry over the time I will miss.

I don't want her to overlook any of the cute things the baby does, touching fingers, patting the cabinet door when you ask her to close it and she complies, reaching her arms around her baby head to play "How big is baby?"
I also don't want her taking credit for any of it.
I taught the baby those things. I DID!
Not her.

I hope they come for her soon. This half parenting is crushing me.

9 comments:

Stacey said...

Oh Emma, I'm so sorry, you made me cry on the other end. Hang in there. :) And you're right all those cute things are from you and you'll always be a part of her sweet life

Lauranie said...

My heart is breaking...You are SO STRONG to put your heart into this child. She will be so much better for it, because you are showing her what love is supposed to be...unconditional!! Bask in the JOY while you have it, and feel confident that her new momma will love her as she deserves to be loved!! xo

Boy said...

I hate crying....

Annie Get Your Camera said...

Oh I am so sad for you! But, she has been so truly blessed to have had you. She is so lucky and, imagine, so are you. Hang in there. I can't imagine having to let go of such a sweet baby!

J.B. said...

Eva - My heart hurts for you. She is so blessed to have you.

Kirstin said...

Her new mama will be so lucky to have such an amazing record of her baby days. And baby herself will one day read back on them and feel your love just bursting through the pages! Oh if we could all be so lucky to have such a selfless mom as Eva.

Faasuamanu and Melinda Toilolo said...

they say a baby is shaped from infancy, the impact you have made on her life will manifest itself throughout her entire life. You are amazing to be able to go through all of this.. and you and your family will continue to be blessed because of the struggle.

Amy said...

You've got me crying, too...I can't fathom how difficult that letting go would be. You have been an AMAZING mother to her. And she will be so blessed for having such a foundation of love in her first year of life.

Kakes said...

Oh no. I was afraid this would happen (her being taken away from you).